August 28, 2011
A Letter To My EX Boyfriend
It's going to be the New Chapter of my life and I want to start that chapter with healing. I haven't gone out to meet my EX boyfriend yet but I wrote him a letter. I hope he gets to read it but it's more like a letter that marks the beginning for me. I have finally come to terms with my long love affair. And I know now that my EX wasn't the one for me. I've finally let go.
It was a painful relationship. More painful than anything I've ever experienced. But I learned a lot from it. I learned that when it's not the right relationship, it just isn't the right relationship.
I now think that I'm ready for a brand new relationship. The kind of relationship that just feels right.
Dear EX Boyfriend,
I'm sorry if you think that I am selfish. I hope you can see what is in my heart. I wish you could read my thoughts and my heart. But you can't. You never have. I guess I keep calling you because I want to know if you've have moved on. I also want some closure between us. Sometimes, I do wish we could be together again. The days we have spent together was one of the defining moments on my life. It changed me in ways I can never fully grasp yet.
I loved you. I was young and naive. I thought I was incapable of love but you taught me how. I loved you. When I was with you and when I was enveloped in your love, I always thought about you. Every second for several days, I'd say a prayer. I'd think of you. Remember the letter I gave you? Written on that letter were the words : If I could build a secret garden for every time I thought of you, I'd forever walk in that garden.
It is true. When we were together you were all I thought about. You were all that I cared about. I may have a hard time expressing my love but you melted my heart. Somehow you did. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I never knew what love was until we met. I never thought I was capable of that kind of love. Similarly, I never thought that I was capable of so much hurt and bitterness.
When I say I don't want you, it doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. You have touched my heart in ways I can never imagine. I think once you love someone, you are marked for life. You were once part of my life and I would love to carry that with me for the rest of my life.
The girl you once knew and the girl who once loved you has grown up. I am not the same person that I used to be when I met you. I have changed. And I'd like to believe that I changed for better partly because of you. Although it was hard not to be bitter given that you have broken my heart so many times.
I don't know if you could fully understand what you did to me. I know I have been cruel to you. I know that I've hurt you. I know it is not right to hurt someone intentionally but I thought that since you've hurt me, I want to hurt you back.
You never allowed me to express my sadness when you betrayed me. When you took my heart, it wasn't just a simple act of taking my heart and not giving it back. It hurts because you took it and never explained why you could do something so hurtful to the person you say you love deeply. It wasn't just that. I trusted you to take care of me. I trusted that when times would get tough, you would be there for me and not take advantages of my generosity. But you did. You took advantage. What hurt the most when you never explain how could you do something so terrible.
Did you know it will took me years to really get over that? I tried to really forgive you. There was a time I was tempted to leave you because of that. And you know that too right? I stopped myself. And now I was so ready to walk away because I was hurt so much. It hurts so much when I started to do something, everything just remind me of you. Our love and promises that we made symbolized the trust that I had for you, the trust that I could never recover. The trust that I could never get back. I wonder how can you really get over me so fast.
It really took me a lot to forgive you and to not leave you. I guess I hated myself for staying. I really wanted to leave. If I have walked away, no one would have blame me. But I loved you. And I wanted to believe that I could forgive you. And you tell me that I'm selfish. That's what hurts. I stayed not because I wanted to. I stayed because I have to because I loved you and I wanted to forgive you. And all that I really wanted was an explanation from you. But you never gave me that because you would never let me dare speak of it. You wanted to bury it. But I can't bury it because it was one most terrible things that anyone has ever done to me. When someone you love betrays you, it will leave a lasting scar. But I don't blame you. You did what you had to do because of reasons still unknown to me. And that is what hurts. The fact that you never explained why you betrayed me. It's not losing the love that hurts. It's losing the trust and not getting an explanation why you could do something like that.
Remember when we had our big fight at the "warung"? We fight in front of the owner of the "warung" and our friends around. I was so scared at that time and I'm a bit disappointed with your words. I still remember that. It was one of the most painful fights that we ever had.
I think I started the fire at that time. I brought up everything. You got angry and yelled at me. I tried to hold my tears in front of you and I did. Right after you went out of that place my tears started fall down. I cried non-stop and I do not know why I don't want to cry in front of you. Maybe I don't want you to feel bad about it or maybe my ego is too high. How I wish I could have an answer for that.
Me forgetting you was the hardest thing that I need to do in my life. And sometimes I stayed not because I wanted to. I stayed because I want to be happy with you all the time. That's why until now it stings when you tell me that you think I'm selfish and you're not happy to be with me. After we've gone through our thick and thin that's the most hurtful words ever came out from your heart. Have I not tried to give you my love, my soul and my world? I tried to give you everything. There were times when I was selfish. But didn't you feel that sometimes I would rather not be there with you? And you call me selfish when in fact, I stayed because I wanted to make you happy even if it killed me deep inside to stay with you.
Just try to remember. When were intimate, did you ever look into my eyes and feel my pain and my true love? There were the times when I wasn't even there with you. There were the times that I would have wanted to be somewhere else. One time you used to ask me why I did this to you because I wouldn't respond to you. I was so cold to you and unresponsive.
That was the first time I allowed myself to truly feel what I felt inside. You said that love isn’t enough. Yes. You’re right. Love isn’t enough to make me stay. Love isn’t enough to make me happy. But it wasn’t your fault. In fact, I blame myself. I still do. But I don’t regret anymore. At least, I’ll carry the memories with me. And who knows? Maybe because of what we went through, we’ll eventually find happiness.
You say that I’m a revisionist and that I changed what happened so I can make it fit into my story. Two people can be in the same relationship and not have the same experience. I am only giving you my perspective on the relationship. You always said that you were happy when you were with me. You always told me that you were happy being with me. I felt that happiness when you’d kiss my shoulder or my forehead. I felt that happiness when you’d take my hand and kiss it. It took me a long time to admit it, but I wasn’t happy in our relationship. It had a negative effect on me. And it isn’t your fault. Some relationships just do that to people. It’s not just you or me. It’s you and me together.
There was a time when I blamed you for my unhappiness. It was wrong of me to think that. It wasn’t you. It was the relationship. It was the fact that I wasn’t ready for a relationship when I agreed to be with you. It was the fact that my parents and my family didn’t accept you and me. It was the fact that I was looking for something else and I couldn’t find it in our relationship. It was the fact that everything just didn’t feel right from the very beginning. I had only started to come to terms with my childhood trauma. Even if I told you it wasn’t real, I always thought that you would read right through me and could see that I was lying because I was.
I guess that’s my fault. I always assume that people could read my thoughts. I guess I had wanted you to read my mind. I had wanted you to read right through me so I wouldn’t have to explain what was in my heart. But you could never do that. And that’s how I know, you’re not the one. Even I force myself to believe that you're the one for me but you ensure me that's not going to happened.
I tried to forget what happened to me. Yes, I was sexually abused. I tried to forget but I could never allow myself to forget. When I met you, I was at that point in my life when I started to question everything. I was sad and and alone. You were there for me. You liked me. And I wanted someone to fall in love with me.
I guess that’s also the reason why I stayed in our relationship far longer than I would have wanted. I guess, I didn’t want you to just like me. I wanted you to fall in love with me. I wanted you to love me because I never felt that when I was with someone else. I never felt loved. I never felt needed.
And you seem to have needed me. You seem to have loved me. And for that, I’m very grateful. I still remember when we were in the library, our first meeting after we had declared you were trying so hard to convince me not to leave. In the library we watched movies together, we were fighting and I forced you to let me go and many more. I still remember that. I wonder have you ever recall everything we had.
I was so touched by that. I felt so loved and so needed by you. I felt so important. I had wanted to marry you at that time. In my mind, I could see myself running away with you and never coming back. At that moment, I wanted to be with you so we could build a new life together.
But that’s how I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I could never build a new life with you. I could never run away. It’s not because I don’t want to. It’s because I can’t. Running away from my family and from the world that I’ve ever known is like running away from myself. I couldn’t build a new life or a new identity with you because I would be denying myself. Like you said, things aren't the same. And we can't be together live happily ever after.
I’ve always wanted to run away from my problems. I’ve always wanted to run away from my sadness. But I know that I can never run away from anything. This is who I am. I am who I am. I can never deny who I am. I can never deny myself. Running away would feel good but it wouldn’t feel right. I guess that’s what our relationship stood for. I was running away. I was running away from the world. You were right I always run away but you were wrong when you say I left you. That's not even true.
You may call me a revisionist. You can do that. You can call me selfish. You can call me self-centered. But none of those words will sting me anymore because I know it isn’t true. In my heart, I know what I felt and I know what I experienced. No one else can take that away from me. Not even you.
There were times when I felt bitter and angry at myself and at you. But I know now, it’s just one of those things that happen. There are relationships that change you for the better. And some relationships that wound you so much that you are unable to live your life the way you should. Our relationship is the latter. It’s a very painful relationship. And as you had said in our previous meeting, if we stay together, we will just destroy each other.
Someone told me that you have found someone else. And when I called you last Friday to ask whether you have found a girlfriend, I felt so sad. I still remember where I was. I was at my room, the room that you sleep when you came over to my place, the room that we spent our time together watching movie. When I learned of it for the first time, my immediate reaction was to hold back my tears. My sister was there and I was embarrassed that she’d see me cry. I didn’t want them to see me in pain but it so painful I had to run off. I did lied to you about me and Ehsan because I wanted to tell you that I'm over you and I wanted you to feel my pain too but I was wrong.
I guess I always wanted you to love me and to continue to love me even if we’re no longer together. So I admit, that part, I’m selfish. I wanted to go to sleep at nights knowing that somewhere out there in the world, was a guy who loved me and who thought of me. But when you told me that you were seeing another girl, I felt so sad. You had stopped loving me and have moved on. It’s what I’ve always wanted for you but I guess I was not prepared how much it would hurt. It hurts. It really hurt.
But at the same time, I was extremely grateful that you had found someone else. It allowed me to realize that our relationship had ended. That it was time for both of us to move on. And that it was time for me to stop believing that someone out there in the world was a guy who loved me.
I won’t ever forget the kisses that you gave me. The sweet kisses. There’s one indelible memory of you and me together in a the car when we were on our way to Penang. We were headed for the city. We had just left our hostel. You were napping. And I was sleepy. I rested my head on your shoulders. You woke up and you took my hand. You held my hand and looked at it as if it were the most precious thing on the entire planet. You kissed my hand,my cheek and I was so happy. I would never forget that. At that moment, I felt most loved by you. And I still hold on to that memory when I feel lonely. At least, I could say to myself that once upon a time, someone had loved me. And that’s what I’ve always wanted from you. To be loved by you.
In a way, you have taught me how to love. Love should be about the simple things. Love shouldn’t be about the grand romantic gestures. It shouldn’t be about giving flowers or giving chocolates. Love should be about the simple things– to profess one’s love to someone, a simple kiss on the forehead, a touch on the hands, a kiss on the shoulder. Love should be about the simple things. You’ve taught me that.
You also taught me the concept of unconditional love. I would often ask you why you love me despite my faults and you’d say, ” It’s part of you. It’s part of the package. I have to learn to love all of you.” Those are simple yet powerful words. It shows that you have so much wisdom when it comes to love.
When you said that, that’s when I knew that you weren’t the one when I couldn’t admit the same thing about you. I loved you but my love for you was conditional. There were just things about you that I could never accept. One of that, being your drug use. I could never accept that. So my love is ” I love you BUT…” When it should be, ” I love you and…”
I know you will love again. I know you will learn to forgive me. I know you will learn to forgive yourself. I know you will love someone else. I feel sad that someone else will receive your kisses. I feel sad that you will be holding someone else’s life. But love evolves. Love grows. And you shouldn’t just allow your heart to feel love just once. Love is meant to be shared.
I hope you can hear what my heart is saying. I wish you could read my mind. Because right now, there is no bitterness and sadness in my heart anymore. There’s only hope.I wish you could look back at our relationship and see how necessary it was. How it was meant to be part of our journey in life. How, you were meant to be part of my journey and I, yours. They say that we meet people for a reason. Meetings aren’t just random encounters. People meet each other because they’re meant to be part of each other’s journey. Our journey together was far longer. It lasted almost two months. Some encounters are short but it’s still no less significant. And today August 29, 2011 should be our TWO MONTHS ANNIVERSARY.
I may not know it now. You may not know it now. But there was a reason why we met. Even if our journey together ended, at least we can look back and say to ourselves that we have loved. Because we have loved. I can lie to people that I'm okay, and I'm over you but my heart can't leave you behind. I wish I could do as what you did. Even I know that there's no possibility we are going back together but I wanted you to know that I still hope for it. It takes time to let you go and I'm sorry to be this selfish. I MISS OUR MOMENTS, I MISS YOU, I MISS US!
Sincerely by Thiya Ahmad